there is so much going on inside of me right now... i can feel God leading me through something... He's showing me more and more of myself everyday...
today as i was praying i got a vision in my head of a picture... but the picture was old and torn... it was missing it's insides and all that was left was a ripped up frame. and to some, this is a sad picture... but to me it was beautiful. and i believe that God was telling me, "this is where i'm taking you."... and it really doesn't look like the most desirable place to go... but for a long time i think i've been painting my own picture... filling it with what i want... with a splash of selfishness and a few strokes of pride... rough sketches of sin that i was sure no one would notice... and i think my picture looked really good at first glance... but the more i studied it, the more i realized that it was ugly. it didn't mean anything. and i got worried... this is all permanent. i can't erase this. it's done. but while no one was looking i laid a bright new canvas over the original. i quickly copied all the good parts of the original and left out the bad ones. now this painting was something to look at! it only had a few minor flaws... people who looked would be happy and send forth compliments... and it worked for a while... but as time passed the disguise would not last.
as God has been removing this fake canvas... it's been painful... at times it's felt like i'm being torn up... like God is taking strips of the painting and ripping them out... and i've felt a bit embarassed... this is all stuff that i never wanted God or anyone else to see... but He is showing me that this old ripped up picture is the one that He originally created... and THIS is the one he wants to continue to shape and work with. a replacement canvas won't do. this original is the one He loved first. and he's going to take it and make it new.
God is helping me empty myself. and i'm asking Him to pour more of who He is into the open places of my spirit. and for the first time in a long time... i like what i see.
so i'm getting ready for my church's good friday service... i'm actually going to be in a skit during this service. the skit it supposed to be serious and dramatic and really pierce people's hearts. but all i can think about is how dumb it is and how i wish i didn't have to be in it. i know i have a crappy attitude about it, but honestly, when i volunteered to be a part of this, i was thinking that the skit was actually going to be really good... then i read the script and it's not that it's a bad skit... it's just not very meaningful or powerful in my opinion... here's my part.i play a husband who's planning a vacation to scotland with his wife. on this vacation, i make it clear to my wife that i want to go golfing. she has other plans... shopping and sight-seeing. so i tell her in a very rude way that it's MY money that's paying for this vacation and i'll do whatever i want. that's the gist of the first part... then we do the skit again, but this time instead of being mean and rude, i'm a total cheese-ball sap. when she suggests shopping and stuff, i get down on my knees and start washing her feet and my line is, "well i suppose we can postpone golfing till wednesday. maybe tom and dave (my golfing buddies) can go sight-seeing with us? or maybe they can check out a smaller course?" and then she says, "thanks hunny, this really means a lot to me."end skit.i don't know... it just seems lame to me. like the message of the skit is, don't be rude and mean, be nice and compromise. the washing the feet part is cool, but i don't think the lines go in depth enough... like, "honey, i've really been looking forward to golfing with my buddies and the truth is, i don't want to give it up. but i love you, and you're way more important to me than golf. so i'm willing to compromise... let's plan this vacation together." i don't know... something like that... something a little more realistic, cause the way it is right now, it seems like the way to serve and wash someone's feet is to do whatever they want. and i don't really think that's right... sometimes it is... i feel like choosing to live a life of washing other's feet is a process of recognizing what your hopes and desires are, and then saying, "yeah, this is what i want... but even more than all that, i want to serve others. so how can i be christ to this person right now?" and if it looks like postponing your golfing trip to spend time with your wife, then great! but to not show that process is pretty weak i think.but on top of all of that, i'm whining and complaining about a skit on good friday. i think my heart is somewhat in the right place, but my attitude stinks. so i'm choosing to put my own selfishness aside and serve. i've recognized what my desires are for this night, and now i'm asking myself, how can i be christ to those around me? and so regardless of whether i think the skit is bad or not... i'm going to do my best, keep a positive outlook on things, and i'm going to quit grumbling... cause i think that's what jesus would have done.consider this a rant (:
i hate the heat. which is probably why i will always live in minnesota. the whole time i was in mexico, i enjoyed myself... but i kept thinking... "i wish it wasn't so hot here." most people like the heat. my sister in law janelle is a freak about the sun and just laying out in it. i don't get it. heat has always made me feel uncomfortable.
but sometimes... it's necessary.
so in my last post, burning the old tattered disguise, i talked about the process of becoming real before God and friends & family. letting God access every corner of who i am. no longer pretending to be someone that i'm not. i realized very quickly that this is not something that can be done in an instant. actually let me rephrase that. it can ONLY be done in an instant. ha... that may sound a bit contradictory, but let me explain. i believe that in every moment of life... every instant... we have choices. we can choose to do good, and we can choose to do evil. we can choose to drink pepsi, and we can choose to drink coke. and most of the time there are more than just two choices. and the choices that we make directly impact and shape the type of person that we'll become. the choices i've made in the past have brought me to where i am today. who i am today. and so if i'm going to burn my disguise... if i'm going die to myself... if i'm going to choose to live differently today than i was living yesterday... it has to happen instant by instant. moment by moment. i have to continue to choose this daily.
the other day i had one of those defining moments where i had my first real tangible chance to choose to continue burning my costume or to extinguish the flames, dust it off and put it right back on.
for a moment i faltered. and that's all it takes. one moment.
so i'm sitting there in this mess that i vowed to leave. and i'm feeling trapped. i'm feeling guilty. it's like the costume was still on fire and to put it on was to put on fire. i could barely breathe.
and that's when it hit me. why am i here? i do not have to stay in this. right now i can choose to walk away.
right now.
so that's what i did. and it wasn't easy. it's almost as if each time i try to put this costume on, it gets harder and harder to take it off. but surprisingly i'm feeling hopeful rather than discouraged. i think that God is beginning to show me the patterns i've set in motion that have been the cause of most of my problems. he's showing them to me and then helping me to grind against them when they begin. slowly, but surely... God is molding me into the man he dreamt i'd be.
"though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. these have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."
1 peter 1:6-7
firstly.
i must say thank you to everyone for your love on that last blog. the support is extremely encouraging.
i started reading a new book today called Spiritual Direction by Henri Nouwen.
holy crap.
i was reading through the introduction and it blew me away. i think something that God is speaking to me about right now is being one person. all the time. in every situation. check this out.
"The discipline of the Heart makes us aware that praying is not only listening to but listening with the heart. Prayer helps us stand in the presence of God with all we have and are: our fears and anxieties; our guilt and shame; our sexual fantasies; our greed and anger; our joys, successes, aspirations, and hopes; our reflections, dreams, and mental wandering; and most of all our family, friends, and enemies--in short, all that makes us who we are. With all this we have to listen to God's voice and allow God to speak to us in every corner of our being."
"This is very hard to do since we are so fearful and insecure. We keep hiding ourselves from God and from others. We tend to present to God and to others only those parts of ourselves with which we feel relatively comfortable and which we think will evoke a positive response. Thus our prayer life becomes very selective and narrow."
wow. i'm gonna take a time out and go burn my costume. the one that i've worn before my friends and my family and our God.
time to get real.
whoa.
had to take a little break there i guess. i know that probably sounds weak to those of you that post a thousand blogs and THEN take a break... but hear me out before you grab your pitchforks and torches.
as most of you know, a few weeks ago i was on a miserable sleeping schedule. you know this because i posted blogs about it... and i posted them at 3-5 in the morning. but something else was going on... something more than just a lack of sleep... because i started to realize that i wasn't feeling very happy... not that i was depressed either though... it's almost like i wasn't really truly living... just sort of there, you know? the sleep was the first thing i noticed. before i left for mexico, in one week i had stayed up for 36 hours straight... twice.
i began to feel very much like a zombie.
wandering around my life in slow motion.
people started asking me what was wrong. all the time. which can get pretty annoying. not just because they asked, but more so because i let my guard down. i showed my hand. they could see i wasn't smiling. my disguise was becoming old & tattered... soon and very soon, everyone would see what was underneath. people would see that i'm not this perfect-youth pastor-worship leader-super spiritual-always happy-positive-guy. i was going to let everyone down.
someone recently sent me $200 anonymously in the mail with a note attached that said, "i believe in you."
i felt ashamed.
i felt distant from God.
i mean... i knew He was right there with me... but i had worn my disguise in front of Him too... and i felt liked i had betrayed Him.
so then a couple weeks ago i took off for mexico with our family not-so-small group. many of you read my mother's posts from the airport. about how she was taking it all in. there was a part in there where she let my brother joey read a short story about a boy who gave blood to his sister thinking all the while that he was actually giving his life. a beautiful, moving story. and my brother's eyes became watered over with tears.
i envied him. i wanted so badly to feel what he was feeling. i wanted to cry. but i was tired.
i still wondered if anyone could tell i wasn't there. that in reality, a zombie creature had taken control of my body & i was just going through the motions.
while we were in the dallas airport waiting for our flight, we decided to go explore the gift shops. my parents offered to buy me a book. so i glanced around for a bit and nothing was really jumping out at me. but at the last minute i saw a book, Blue Like Jazz. i had heard about this book a billion times before. everyone said it was amazing and that i NEEDED to read it. and that always made me want to never read it. but for some reason... at that moment in the book store... i wanted it.
i started reading it in the terminal.
and then some more on the plane.
and some more at the hotel.
i couldn't put it down. i was eating it up. there was a part in the book that stood out to me so much. it impacted me in a way that i can't really explain.
"My slot-machine God disintegrated on Christmas Even when I was thirteen. I still think of that night as "the lifting of the haze," and it remains one of the few times I can categorically claim an interaction with God. Though I am half certain these interactions are routine, they simply don't feel as metaphysical as the happenings of that night. It was very simple, but it was one of those profound revelations that only God can induce. What happened was that I realized I was not alone in my own surroundings. I'm not talking about ghosts or angels or anything; I'm talking about other people. As silly as it sounds, I realized, late that night, that other people had feelings and fears and that my interactions with them actually meant something, that I could make them happy or sad in the way that I associated with them. Not only could I make them happy or sad, but I was responsible for the way I interacted with them. I suddenly felt responsible. I was supposed to make them happy. I was not supposed to make them sad. Like I said, it sounds simple, but when you really get it for the first time, it hits hard.
I was shell shocked.
This is how the bomb fell: For my mother that year I had purchased a shabby Christmas gift--a book, the contents of which she would never be interested in. I had had a sum of money with which to buy presents, and the majority of it I used to buy fishing equipment, as Roy and I had started fishing in the creek behind Wal-Mart.
My extended family opens gifts on Christmas Eve, leaving the immediate family to open gifts the next morning, and so in my room that night were wonderful presents--toys, games, candy, and clothes--and as I lay in bed I counted and categorized them in the moonlight, the battery-operated toys of greatest importance, the underwear of no consequence at all.
So in the moonlight I drifted in and out of anxious sleep, and this is when it occurred to me that the gift I had purchased for my mother was bought with the petty change left after I had pleased myself. I realized I had set the happiness of my mother beyond my own material desires.
This was a different sort of guilt from anything I had previously experienced. It was a heavy guilt, not the sort of guilt that I could do anything about. It was a haunting feeling, the sort of sensation you get when you wonder whether you are two people, the other of which does things you can't explain, bad and terrible things.
The guilt was so heavy that I fell out of bed onto my knees and begged, not a slot-machine God, but a living, feeling God, to stop the pain. I crawled out of my room and into the hallway by my mother's door and lay on my elbows and face for an hour or so, going sometimes into sleep, before finally the burden lifted and I was able to return to my room."
this met me exactly where i was at. i finished reading this passage with tears in my eyes and i too felt as though a haze had been lifted. i felt like i had been awakened from my zombie-like state. i began to sleep. a lot. and at normal hours too. i spent time with God. walked with Him on the beach and swam with Him in the pool. i found rest and life.
when we got home my dad was asking me about the trip... how i thought it went.
"it was great. i had an awesome time."
"i think this was really good for you."
and when he said that... he said it with deep knowing. like his son had returned home...
there is so much going on inside of me right now... i can feel God leading me through something... He's showing me more and more of myself everyday...
