the aftermath

i hate the heat. which is probably why i will always live in minnesota. the whole time i was in mexico, i enjoyed myself... but i kept thinking... "i wish it wasn't so hot here." most people like the heat. my sister in law janelle is a freak about the sun and just laying out in it. i don't get it. heat has always made me feel uncomfortable.

but sometimes... it's necessary.

so in my last post, burning the old tattered disguise, i talked about the process of becoming real before God and friends & family. letting God access every corner of who i am. no longer pretending to be someone that i'm not. i realized very quickly that this is not something that can be done in an instant. actually let me rephrase that. it can ONLY be done in an instant. ha... that may sound a bit contradictory, but let me explain. i believe that in every moment of life... every instant... we have choices. we can choose to do good, and we can choose to do evil. we can choose to drink pepsi, and we can choose to drink coke. and most of the time there are more than just two choices. and the choices that we make directly impact and shape the type of person that we'll become. the choices i've made in the past have brought me to where i am today. who i am today. and so if i'm going to burn my disguise... if i'm going die to myself... if i'm going to choose to live differently today than i was living yesterday... it has to happen instant by instant. moment by moment. i have to continue to choose this daily.

the other day i had one of those defining moments where i had my first real tangible chance to choose to continue burning my costume or to extinguish the flames, dust it off and put it right back on.

for a moment i faltered. and that's all it takes. one moment.

so i'm sitting there in this mess that i vowed to leave. and i'm feeling trapped. i'm feeling guilty. it's like the costume was still on fire and to put it on was to put on fire. i could barely breathe.

and that's when it hit me. why am i here? i do not have to stay in this. right now i can choose to walk away.

right now.

so that's what i did. and it wasn't easy. it's almost as if each time i try to put this costume on, it gets harder and harder to take it off. but surprisingly i'm feeling hopeful rather than discouraged. i think that God is beginning to show me the patterns i've set in motion that have been the cause of most of my problems. he's showing them to me and then helping me to grind against them when they begin. slowly, but surely... God is molding me into the man he dreamt i'd be.

"though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. these have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed."
1 peter 1:6-7